Don't beat yourself up...

"Don't beat yourself up!"

I've heard the phrase a million times. Don't tear yourself down… give yourself a break. I've SAID it a million times.

It never became real to me until yesterday. I woke up in the morning feeling like I was hit by a truck. Emotionally, physically… the day was not starting off on the right foot. And it was all my fault.

You see, I went to bed late the night before. Later than I have in months. I stayed up late chatting online with some friends. One friend mentioned something about my parenting decisions and set off a downward spiral of emotions, second guessing myself, and eventually tears (the first in months - kind of huge for me).

I tossed and turned all night. I second guessed my decisions. I wondered if I was making life more difficult for Sunday than it needed to be. I wondered if I was being too selfish in my role as a mother. I wondered if even my own mom thought I was not a good mom.

I watched the clock. When will Sunday wake up? I can't wait to hold her, to cuddle her, to put her back to sleep. Because I love her so much and I want her to know it.

I waited for Tommy to wake up. I needed him. I needed his encouragement and reassurance.

I prayed. I prayed for comfort, for encouragement, but most of all for discernment. You see, these recent weeks have been so tough. Sunday is transitioning from sleeping a lot to sleeping a lot less and I am having a hard time deciphering her cries. Is she tired? Hungry? Just learning that she can have opinions and express them? I want to respect her needs and guide her wants. Is she too young for this?

I prayed. I waited. I watched the clock.

When Tommy woke at 4:30am I rolled over and immediately bombarded him with my emotions and concerns. Poor guy. He is such a great father and husband, and he takes my emotions so seriously. He respects them and I am so grateful for it. After talking to him for a bit I picked up a book to read about healthy sleeping habits (for babies, of course). Of course, if I can read and learn more about what is going on in this chapter of her life, I can be better prepared. And that makes me a good mom, right? I read a little bit and waited for Sunday to wake up again. You know, so I could hold her, cuddle her, and soothe her back to sleep.

All of this, so I could reassure myself that I was a good mom.

In the meantime, I was placing all of these doubts on myself. Literally beating myself up emotionally. I have never, in all my life, second guessed myself so much. I spent the rest of the morning in this darkness of questioning my decisions, seeking comfort and encouragement from my mom and husband, and quite frankly, really angry at my friend.

Motherhood can be a lonely, lonely road sometimes. In life, my healing process has always been to talk about issues… talk it through with understanding friends. Whatever the problem, discussing it has always helped me process it. But this time? This time I was so scared. Parenting is such a personal thing. I don't know a single person who would say they agree with 100% of our parenting decisions thus far, but that's mostly because I am afraid to ask. What if they find out some of our decisions and they disagree? It can cause such tension, defensiveness, and insecurity between moms who were once great friends. I've discovered that parenting opinions run deep and are so extremely personal.

Finally, come Sunday's mid-day nap time I decided to take a nap myself. Naturally, a bit of sleep does a body (and mind) good. I woke refreshed, feeling sooo much better. I had clarity, finally. I am a good mom and I know it. I am just a different mom than this friend.

And now… now I know what "beating yourself up" really means. I know how hard it is to stop. I know how lonely motherhood can be. I know how personal parenting decisions are. I know a little bit more about healthy baby sleeping habits. I know how supportive my mom and husband can be.

Just another adventure in life… fine tuning me… teaching me. I am grateful for the lessons learned in the last 36 hours. And now I really know what I am saying when I encourage a friend to not "beat yourself up."

And it has begun...

Learning to change our eating habits has to be a slow, step-by-step process. That's just how it works for us. We are so, SO far from having an ideal diet, but we are getting there. We're learning that the best way to handle it is to implement one small change at a time to guarantee the changes will stick. :) Yesterday we started another chapter in our little diet transformation. We signed up for a local CSA and are excited to have fresh, in-season produce delivered to us weekly! Here's a glimpse at our first lot:

Greens and fruit - yummmy! I love our CSA because they include a list of the items, how to care for them, and recipe ideas! They make it SO easy for me. I would never buy these things at the grocery store but with the coaching of our CSA I think we are on our way to discovering some yummy foods we would have never otherwise tried.

Here's a new recipe I'll be trying this week with the food we received: Baked Kale Chips

letters to sunday | months four and five

Baby,

My sweet, smiley baby girl. I have lost track of what happened and when. The past month and a half has been a blur of firsts and a million smiles. I can't tell you where one month ended and the other began. It was somewhere right in the middle that you hit this point where you just got it. You get life. You're here now and it's all totally making sense. It is so fun to watch you discover that things are happening around you.

I truly don't know where to begin. I am leaving so many things out, I just know it. Hopefully the pictures can fill in some of the blanks for you.

You reach for anything that is in your sight and you want to put it all in your mouth. Your grasp is so strong, and oh yes, I feel it regularly. Your nails! Oh the nails! I have to clip them like every other day. You are a little growing machine!

You have found your voice and you KNOW how to use it. You have opinions and you share them. These days I can't tell if you are in NEED or WANT... and I believe this is the beginning of a life long prayer for discernment.

You adore your johnny-jump-up. Love it. You spend hours in it... and I think one day I'm going to find you fast asleep in it. :)

Your naps? They seem to have disappeared. My once wonderful sleeper has turned into miss socialite and you don't want to miss a thing! The only place you can fall asleep peacefully and quickly these days is your car seat. Perhaps mama has taken you one one too many a road trip? It's okay - at least that's something I know for sure will work.

You definitely prefer to be in my arms over anyone else's. And that is quite alright with me. :) I like our little bond...! I'm enjoying it while it lasts because boy is it true that time flies.

You gave up playing in the pack-n-play. The place where you once spent chunks of time playing and exploring has apparently turned into a boring, lonely space. You'd rather jump in the kitchen or lay on the couch! I wonder where the next few months will take us in your world of desires.

Oh and I gave up on bottles. I pretty much have decided that you'll need me by your side every 3 hours for the next few months. God is good and He didn't make me face this realization until He knew I could handle it. Since you are such a quick little eater these days I am okay with having you by my side (and um, chest...) so often. At first it felt like such a time-consuming thing, having to breastfeed you what felt like constantly. But I am finally beginning to understand what all those experienced moms talked about. It's becoming our special time together... we cuddle and you relax and find comfort in these moments. It's priceless to me.

We went on our first family vacation in March and it was SUCH a breeze with you! We went to a cabin at Smith Mountain Lake. You were such a great sport... easy to please and super laid back. We expected it to be a tough adjustment, going on vacation with a baby, but we couldn't have asked for a better trip!

You love bath time, Hawkeye's kisses, getting your diaper changed, playing with your feet, riding in the car, being in your aunt Christy's arms (she keeps you moving!), being outdoors, keys, screens that glow (phones, tvs, tablets), being carried in the ring sling, and mornings with mama.

You are not the biggest fan of playing alone, falling asleep without eating first, sitting in your car seat if it's not en route somewhere, sleeping on your back (not anymore! Now that you can roll over it's the first thing you do when I lay you down!), being away from your mama for a large chunk of time, or anything else when you are tired. :)

I am sure the next time I write a letter to you, it'll be all about your first foods and mobility. Ahhh I can't believe it's right around the corner! Can't you just stay little forever? <3

I love you sweet girl, oh so very much.

xoxo, mama

My favorite wrap

Before I had Sunday, I would tell Tommy regularly "I am going to wear the baby all. the. time." "It'll help me lose weight."

"I'll go on walks while wearing the baby."

"I don't need a stroller that will fit in the trunk. I'm going to wear the baby."

Hah. Ha. Hahahaha.

I said so many things before Sunday arrived... :)

So, apparently, when a baby falls asleep in a wrap something weird happens. You kind of lose control of your posture and you slunch down into a position that curls baby closer to you. And then you don't move. At all. You know, in fear of waking the baby. And then your back gets sore and your posture is all messed up and... and... Well... no surprise here. That gets old. Fast.

When Sunday was about two weeks old I tossed out the idea of wearing her all the time. Every now and then when she seemed to just need to be held all day long, I would strap her on and halfway do my chores. (She hated when I did the dishes and her feet would bang against the counter top.) But other than that, I mostly only wore her when I was out of the house running errands or visiting friends.

A few weeks ago my friend Jessica showed me her collection of wraps, slings and structure carriers. She let me borrow one to take home to try and I fell in love with it. It's the one many of my FB friends have seen in pictures:

Sunday loves it. She has gotten used to it and she curls up next to me when I plop her in it. She lays sweetly against my chest and calmly observes the things around her until it's sleepy time. Then she tucks her little head down, nuzzling into the darkness and drifts off to baby sleep heaven. I can feel it happen as her weight suddenly becomes heavier and she just relaxes. But I stay comfortable.

I love it. She loves it. It's a win/win.

A lot of people have asked me where I got the wrap. I got it from my friend Jessica. I offered to buy it from her after trying it out for about a week. The other day I was with her and I asked her to tell me the story of the wrap because so many people had asked me. So, here's how Jess got this wrap into her hands (I hope I got this right!):

1. Jess and another girl went in together on a didimos linen wrap (size 7, I believe).
2. They split the wrap in half (I believe they paid to have this done professionally).
3. Jess took her 3.5 wrap and paid to have it converted to a ring sling (called: wrap conversion).
4. Jess continued to collect numerous wraps, slings and carriers and felt there was no need to keep this beautifully crafted wrap-conversion-ring-sling.
5. Jess sold it to me.

So, when people ask me "Where did you get that? Can I get one?" The answer is not an easy yes. But, yes, you can get one! It is a drawn out process, but I have to tell you that I believe it is completely worth it. I will use this ring sling for many years (if God blesses us with more babies, that is). I have zero plans to ever get rid of it. I LOVE it!

You may ask... what is the difference between this wrap and a regular ring sling from the store? The quality, the fabric, and the strength. Regular ring slings are often made of thinner material and they don't offer the same support as a wrap. They are uncomfortable, especially after baby falls asleep and you've got dead weight strapped to your torso. The sturdiness of the didimos linen wrap material is THE reason I would pay more $$ for a wrap-conversion. :)

So... I hope I answered your questions! I was getting a lot of feedback and I wanted to lay it all out in one place for you guys. I know I made it seem complicated... but let me just make sure you heard me right: It is worth it! I'm tempted to go through the process myself just to get another color. But, that would just be silly and I know it. ;)

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UPDATE: Luckily I have friends who aren't afraid to correct me when I'm wrong. :) As it turns out, DIDYMOS now actually offers wrap-converted ring slings right on their website. PAXbaby also sells them with completely different color options. Of course I make everything more complicated than it needs to be. Oops! :)

letters to sunday | month three

My sugar bear,

I never thought I'd be one to have little cheesy names for my kids (or for anyone in my life)... but I just cannot help myself with you. I love all of the silly feelings of affection that spill out of my heart through ridiculous words and sing-songy voices. It's probably ridiculously entertaining for anyone who observes my interaction with you. I can't help it - you love it and I will do just about anything to make you smile.

The past few weeks have been tough on my mama heart. We're trying to teach you to fall asleep on your own and it has really been hard for me. You just find such comfort in drinking yourself to sleep. It's so sweet and cuddly of you, but we are trying to teach you how to fall asleep without eating. It's one of my first big challenges of parenting. You are getting the hang of it... but you really don't like it. And I don't really like it either. But I know it's better for the both of us.

You are beginning to practice rolling over! It's so fun for me to watch you try. A couple of times I've helped you make it the last little bit and then you get all upset because suddenly you are on your tummy and you don't like it at all. Oh, my silly girl. :)

You are officially out of all newborn and 0-3mo clothes. I have sorted the clothes in your room probably 5 times in your short little life. I can't believe how quickly you grow!

As it turns out, you continue to refuse any sort of pacifier or bottle. In fact, I got so desperate last week that I pulled out the sippy cup for you to try. And when I warmed up that valuable breastmilk and you refused it yet again, I spoon fed it to you. I just couldn't bring myself to throw away another bottle of milk! The spoon feeding actually went pretty well... but I can't really expect a babysitter to try that in the future. So I plan on continuing my efforts to familiarize you with the sippy cup.

You are beginning to really enjoy all of the baby entertainment centers we have around the house for you (okay, just two). It was just the other day when I noticed you were starting to explore the little animals and color wheels on your jumping set for the first time. It was so fun to see you noticing new things! But you are just as happy laying on the couch with a dry washcloth in your hands, too. And that makes me a proud mama. :) My easy to please little girl!

Together we are still trying to discover a good routine for the both of us. Lately your napping needs have been completely unpredictable. I've sort of given up trying to go out and do much for the next few weeks. I'm determined to figure out a routine for the both of us and if that requires we stay at home for a little while, then I'm okay with that. I'm just crossing my fingers that our time at home will pay off with a routine... eventually!

Oh! We pulled out the disposable diapers. I bought some for a trip this past week and when we got home, your dad unloaded everything from the car except those diapers! I laugh at him, but I do think it's pretty adorable that he wants you to be his all-natural babe.

Oh Sunday... it is so fun watching you grow. There are days when I can't wait for you to sit up and grab at toys or crawl around... and then some days when I want you to remain my small little cuddly girl. I do my best to cherish each fleeting moment with my beautiful baby girl.

Mama loves you!